Torn
by RaeLynn Skye
Summary: Why did Amy really love Collin? And why did it all suddenly change?


Disclaimer: I don't own everwood, and I don't own the characters. Much as I would like to own Ephram, or the actor who plays him, that's not likely :( Too bad.  
  
Notice: this fanfiction does not exactly follow the tv-verse timeline. Sorry bout that.  
  
Torn.  
  
I know he doesn't understand how I feel. I wish he did, because then this would be a lot easier for me. Of course, it wouldn't' be easy for me anyhow because of how confusing it all is.  
  
I never really loved Collin. In all honesty, it was more of a stage, growth. It's hard to explain what it really was. I wasn't pretty the year before we got together, not popular or endowed, or anything. I had braces, and glasses, and bad skin.  
  
Collin was at basketball camp for a month, and at a summer training for two weeks after that, and it was between the time he left and the time he came back that I changed.  
  
My braces had been due off for almost a year, and I'd been begging my parents for contacts for a long time. During those six weeks, I got both of the things I'd wanted. I also lost fifteen pounds and grew breasts, my skin stopped breaking out, and I learned the glories of makeup.  
  
When he came back, he came to see my brother. And when he came into my room, on the obligatory pity visit, he saw the new me. And when I looked up at him, his eyes were wide. "Hi." I said. He asked me twice if I was really me, and then stayed and talked to me for the hour he was supposed to be seeing my brother.  
  
I was elated. My brother's best friend-who I'd had a crush on for a long time, because he was cute, and my brothers-was suddenly interested in me.  
  
When he asked me to the movies the next week, I went. And when he kissed me for half of the movie, I gleefully kissed him back. My first kiss. I didn't feel anything. No sparks, no fireworks, nothing. But I had already talked myself into loving him, and so I was stuck.  
  
A month later was the first time he put his hand inside my shirt, which I reveled in for the sensation of being desired. But when he suggested sex, I balked, and I told him no.  
  
That was a week before the accident.  
  
I told him I loved him to make up for telling him no when he said we should have sex. And, next to making a fool of myself, I was more angry about the fact that he couldn't say it, when I could. But I was, all in all, relieved. I didn't want him to love me, because I didn't want to hurt him. And if he did, I would, because it would soon be over.  
  
I'd started to hate him. For all of the things he did that were stupid and mean. I wanted it over with, and quickly.  
  
So, I was cold as ice. I was ignoring him, and he didn't even notice. Then I got mad, really mad. But before we could have the fight that I'd imagined, he was gone.  
  
And, for a moment, I was actually relieved. Then I felt guilty. So, what I did was mourn, and pretend that I loved him. And after four moths, I started to believe it.  
  
After Ephram came, I was so torn, I had to get Collin back, but I liked the new guy, and everyone expected me to move on. But I couldn't. So I lost myself in my 'grief' so that I wouldn't' have to think about it.  
  
But I found myself slipping, first when he played the song for me, and when he came to Denver with me, and when he loaned me the book, and when he was just so selfless, like Collin never was. So I told him he was my miracle. And he kissed me.  
  
When he was that close, I knew it was going to happen, and I was afraid that the emotions that were churning inside me were false, like they had been with Collin. But when his lips met mine, there were sparks, and fireworks, and I felt so wonderful that I thought I was going to explode.  
  
And I could have just let it happen, and forgotten that I already had a boyfriend, and let the emotions take me. But wheat would that do to me? And to him? I wouldn't. I couldn't. I had to wait for Collin to wake up, to tell him that it was over.  
  
When I went though, he didn't remember anything. The look he gave me was like he gave me the first day.  
  
He would want me again, yes. But this time I had someone else.  
  
Someone who loved me.  
  
Someone I loved. 


End file.
